dealing?

I have an unusual method of dealing with emotional stress. I don't.

On the evening of December 1, 2009, my Grandaddy left to meet Jesus face to face. I cried most of the night after Dad called, and threw myself wholeheartedly into packing to leave for Texas a few days early so we could make the service. I cried in "bursts" on the 27 hour drive, but mostly I took care of Lucy and played the alphabet game with Hubs.

I went to the service and focused on being strong for everybody in my family. Hubs was broken out really bad, too, so I told myself that I had to be strong for him. He didn't need my emotional drama. Didn't shed a tear the whole service. Cried a little on the way back to my in-laws, where we were staying for the night. Threw myself into visiting with my mother-in-law and taking care of my precious girl.

Spent the following weeks up until Christmas helping my parents unpack their new house. Basically killing myself everyday, working hard to keep my mind off of my grief. I needed to be strong for Mom and Grandmama. What time I wasn't with them I was being strong for Hubs and his miserable, debilitating skin so he, again, wouldn't have to deal with my emotional drama. He's onto me, though, and keeps making me talk about it. Infuriating man.

Made it through the holidays basically tearless. Drove 27 hours home. January, February, March... Feelings of heaviness and a sadness I can't really shake, figure it's probably a little postpartum blues. But my sleep doesn't lie. Dreams invade my subconscious of a smiling, happy Grandaddy who is peeking around the corner from his chair to see me when I come in the door of their house with a "There she is!" like he always greeted me.

Three days ago I was watching A Baby Story for a little break in my day, when unexpectedly the new mom on the show had her grandparents over to see her new baby girl. The minute her grandfather held his new great-granddaughter, I burst into tears. Suddenly I'm dealing with it.

I guess I can't say I didn't have it coming.