absence

Sorry everyone for my long absence. Hubs spent a week in the hospital with double pneumonia, and during a CT scan to determine the extent of the infection, the found a pulmonary embolism (blood clot) in his right lung. Amazing stuff for a 29 year old healthy guy! He's still slowly recovering, very weak and often short of breath with very little activity. Progress is difficult, but they expect he will make a full recovery. I hope I never have to see my husband that sick again. Fevers so high he had full body convulsions so that he lost all muscle control and ability to speak... And a life threatening clot in his lung.

He is now on blood thinners, I was giving him shots in his stomach every night for the first week out of the hospital, but now he can just take oral medication to help dissolve the clot.

Crazy times, once again, in the Mommyhood! Lucy has been sick, on top of all of this, and hasn't slept more than 2 hours at a time in the last 3 weeks. Busy Mama... so busy.

moo

I feel like a dairy cow today. Lucy loves her milk, but after almost 8 months of nursing it's starting to get a little... old. Especially when I trotted up the stairs today to pull my two formal dresses out of the closet, the only two I have, the two that I bought for a couple of occasions we went to before we got married. I was so excited about the upcoming formal, organized by the students for the end of the year. Looking forward to getting all dressed up again after losing all that baby weight. I still pulled it out with trepidation, though, wondering if I would have to eat "light" for the next week until the event. But no amount of eating light will fix this problem. Both dresses fit beautifully. Hug my hips, fall perfectly around my ankles. Until you get to the... um... top. That area where nothing fits when you're nursing a baby. No amount of poking, prodding or adjusting would work. I'm just not proportionate. Period. It's not going to happen.

Let me add that this was the formal event that I planned my trip to Texas around and booked a more expensive plane ticket a day later so I could be here for it.

I guess we can cancel the babysitter now. I can't afford a new dress, so it looks like Mommy gets to stay home with Lucy while I send always-the-same-size-no-matter-what Hubs out in his handsome, black suit to dance alone.

Sigh. Pardon me while I go pout and eat my weight in brownies and ice cream. There's nothing to stay skinny for now, anyway.

heatwave

It's hot in the Mommyhood today. Temperatures soared near 90 degrees. We don't have AC on our 2nd floor, and we're refusing to turn on the AC on the first floor in April, so we're braving it out with the windows open and the fans going. Lucy loves it, actually, because she's been allowed to run around in her diaper or in a onesie for the last couple of days. The wave ends in storms tomorrow, though, and then it's back in the 50's for the rest of the week through the weekend.

Personally, I haven't minded the heat so much. There has been a cool wind blowing, and there is something about laying in bed with a cool wind blowing across you that makes you feel very alive.

Murry has been moving from one spot on the floor to another, sprawling out and trying to get cool. Hubs has been itching from head to toe because his rash is exacerbated by heat.

Happy Spring!

dealing?

I have an unusual method of dealing with emotional stress. I don't.

On the evening of December 1, 2009, my Grandaddy left to meet Jesus face to face. I cried most of the night after Dad called, and threw myself wholeheartedly into packing to leave for Texas a few days early so we could make the service. I cried in "bursts" on the 27 hour drive, but mostly I took care of Lucy and played the alphabet game with Hubs.

I went to the service and focused on being strong for everybody in my family. Hubs was broken out really bad, too, so I told myself that I had to be strong for him. He didn't need my emotional drama. Didn't shed a tear the whole service. Cried a little on the way back to my in-laws, where we were staying for the night. Threw myself into visiting with my mother-in-law and taking care of my precious girl.

Spent the following weeks up until Christmas helping my parents unpack their new house. Basically killing myself everyday, working hard to keep my mind off of my grief. I needed to be strong for Mom and Grandmama. What time I wasn't with them I was being strong for Hubs and his miserable, debilitating skin so he, again, wouldn't have to deal with my emotional drama. He's onto me, though, and keeps making me talk about it. Infuriating man.

Made it through the holidays basically tearless. Drove 27 hours home. January, February, March... Feelings of heaviness and a sadness I can't really shake, figure it's probably a little postpartum blues. But my sleep doesn't lie. Dreams invade my subconscious of a smiling, happy Grandaddy who is peeking around the corner from his chair to see me when I come in the door of their house with a "There she is!" like he always greeted me.

Three days ago I was watching A Baby Story for a little break in my day, when unexpectedly the new mom on the show had her grandparents over to see her new baby girl. The minute her grandfather held his new great-granddaughter, I burst into tears. Suddenly I'm dealing with it.

I guess I can't say I didn't have it coming.

sickly

Lucy has had what the pediatrician calls a "throat virus" (whatever the heck that is) for the last few days. Which basically means her throat hurts, she has been running a fever, and has been incredibly cranky. I've had the same thing, but I don't get the luxury of whining about it and having someone cuddle me. Instead, I have learned the joy of the Mommyhood while sick - act like you aren't actually sick. Keep downing the fluids like you should be, but sleep is unheard of with a sick 6 month old. Instead I've been up the last two nights every 45 minutes with her grumping and wanting to nurse her pain away. Sweet that she wants to cuddle with her mama, frustrating that I feel so rotten but get woken up every time I start to drift off.

She's starting to feel better, although this morning I put my finger in her mouth to discover that she is now starting to cut that first tooth! So it may be a while before she and I get a good night's rest again. In the meantime, I will have to keep an extra supply of hugs and kisses in store for my grumpy little girl.

alone

I hate days that Hubs has to work really late. It seems even more distressing on Fridays. He usually works from home on Fridays. But every 3 months all of the campus ministers from the Northeast get together at a central location (which means that Hubs and his area coordinator have to drive 3 hours, too) to talk about their ministries. Great time for the guys, tough time for the wives.

But today Lucy and I tried to make the best of it. We spent the morning at the grocery store picking up all of the last minute things that Hubs needs for his detox that starts tomorrow, then we came home and I called up a good friend and asked if we could come hang out. She has a little guy, Seth, that's 2 months younger than Lucy. We packed up and went over for the afternoon, Lucy and Seth poked at each others faces and sucked on each others bald heads, and Jenn and I ate sushi, talked Mommy woes, and swapped cute baby stories. It was a good way to break up a long day.

Lucy and I came home, ate our supper (she gulped down a whole container of green beans tonight without complaint!), read our night-night books, and I tucked my beautiful little munchkin into bed. Now I'm getting ready to curl up on the couch in my sweats with a cup of hot cocoa, and watch a little HGTV or something else totally girlie. So maybe lonely days aren't so bad... but Fridays with Daddy are definitely better.

shopping

Hubs is starting a detox program on Saturday. The skin ailments that have been plaguing him for the last year that are apparently undiagnosable by any physician, dermatologist, or allergist are growing worse, so we have researched and selected an intense cleanse for his body. Pray for me. He can't eat anything but juice all weekend! Hopefully he won't eat me...

In preparation for the detox, we journeyed to the local bulk grocery store this morning to buy all of the carrots, celery, spinach, apples, etc that we have to juice for him to drink all weekend. I put Lucy in the Bjorn, which she enjoys so much better than her stroller or the basket. But today I learned the dark side of the Bjorn. Lucy pooped, blew out her diaper, got poopy all over her, her clothes, me... Then, as I was changing her (in the car!), I discovered that the spare outfit I've been keeping in the diaper bag doesn't fit her anymore! My little chubby girl is outgrowing everything! After a couple of attempts to squeeze her into it anyway, I gave up, strapped her into her carseat in just a diaper and socks, wrapped her blanket around her, and we drove home. She sang so happily back there all the way home, I think it's her new favorite way to ride! Thank goodness it was in the 60's out there today, though, and she didn't have to do that with snow coming down or something!

Ah... the joys of the Mommyhood.

brown

Today during nap time I painted the bathroom with Kilz. I'm getting really excited about seeing the final result of a beautiful makeover. On Sunday, Hubs and I picked up new towels, wash cloths, and bath mats to go with our new color. I'm planning to make a shower curtain for our oddly oversized shower that, apparently, they do not make shower curtains for!

I feel like Superwoman today. Little girl has a cold, and somehow I still managed to pamper her, shower her with kisses, and be productive. It's a good day!

saturday

Last night I came down with the cleaning bug. I had been meaning to do all of this for a while, combination of soon-to-be crawler and Hubs who has recently developed allergies to... well, just about everything, has given me the incentive to clean my house very thoroughly. I started the project yesterday afternoon while Lucy was down for nap, and last night after she went to bed I finished. Scrubbed the floors, the walls, the bathroom, chairs, couch, dog, everything!

Hubs had to work last night and didn't get home until almost 11pm. So I turned on the Olympic opening ceremony and spent that time tearing the house and putting it back together - much cleaner than it came apart. Today I woke up sore, tired, and very pleased with myself.

Today Hubs went back to work, all day presbytery meeting, and Lucy and I set out for Sears and BJ's to get paint chips and do the quarterly stock up on essentials. We made it to Sears. A few paint chips later, Mommy realized how sore and tired she really was, and the bitter cold wind wasn't making it any better. So home we came, where I succeeded in tearing all of the wallpaper off of the bathroom walls (to make way for the paint I picked out today!), and then collapsed on the couch to play video games while Lucy napped and Murry laid on my feet.

Hubs came home and is now fixing supper while Lucy scoots around on the floor. It's a good day.

thaw

The sun came out today, and so did we! Lucy and I ventured out to Target, more on a mission to no longer be cooped up in our snow encased house than for necessity. I strapped Lucy into her carseat, and she immediately started squealing and kicking. Apparently she was feeling as stir-crazy as I was!


A few Valentine "happies" for Hubs and some baby food later, we were back home in time for lunch and nap. I'm looking forward to spring when the weather allows for going out without twenty layers of clothes for both of us that takes 4 hours just to get ready to head out the door!

soreness

I woke up stiff and tired this morning. Maybe shoveling 2 feet of snow took it out of me yesterday! So I made some packaged cinnamon rolls for breakfast, started the laundry back up after yesterday's hiatus, fed Lucy her pears, and officially began my day.

Lately I feel like I'm learning how to run marathons when I'm accustomed to sprinting. For the last 10 years of my life (maybe more), I've been functioning on the semester schedule. College, seminary, even Hubs' job runs on semesters. Work has always seemed easier when I was working toward a short-term goal. "I can make it to December," or "The summer is just around the corner," and, "Sleep will happen when the classes are over..." etc. But now I wake up every morning and realize that each day, no matter the season, no matter the date, is pretty much just the same as the last. My work is just as (if not more) valuable as it was during the past years, but it just doesn't have an end date or an off time. It feels as if there is nothing to really look forward to except more of the monotony.

I pray in the months and years to come that God will continue to teach me the value in my daily life, the joy in being able to teach and encourage my beautiful daughter and any brothers and sisters that He may have in store for us.

blizzard

"Husband," I said to Hubs from my post at the window this morning (that's how I address him when I'm feeling profound), "We're not in Texas anymore."


Tonight I got Lucy to bed, slipped the monitor receiver in my coat pocket, and Hubs and I went out to shovel the 20 inches of snow. With help from our awesome neighbors, we were done in an hour.

Tomorrow Hubs is back to work and I'm back to laundry and cleaning, but everybody enjoys a good snow day now and then.

monotony

I'm learning to be content with the monotony of home life. I know that my life has value, but at times when I'm up to my elbows in poop on one end and mushy pears on the other, I tend to lose sight of that value.

Sometimes I think that if I wash the same boxers, t-shirts and sticky bibs one more week in the laundry, my washer really will explode. Wash the dog, the dishes, the clothes, the floor... and then start it all again as soon as (and sometimes before!) it's done. I look forward to Lucy's naps not for the break it affords anymore, but as a solid chunk of productive time where I can truly work hard on this house with no interruptions. I love my little chunky monkey, but I do get tired of the whining and scooting off the blanket and pooping and just fussing to be cuddled when I'm in the middle of something "important."

I do believe that time with my daughter is very important, but how do I learn to prioritize that into my busy days?